If all that wasn't enough, watching Keith Robinson make a complete & utter ass out of himself in front of everyone in the local industry was worth the price of admission. Full details of Robinson's misfortunes later on in the review.

    The Roast lineup featured host Rich Vos, Robert Kelly, DC Benny, Vanessa Hollingshead, Colin Quinn, Todd Barry, Jim Norton, Greg Giraldo, Bill Burr, Lynn Koplitz (on behalf of Carrie Karavas), Ben Bailey, the aforementioned Keith Robinson, and of course the great Patrice O'Neal.

    For me, the comedy started long before I even entered Manhattan. While waiting for the train to arrive out here on Long Island, 2 fat & bald gentlemen (one tall & one short) wearing Cher Farewell Tour 2003 t-shirts stood by me on the platform. I stood there & observed how excited they were to see her perform at Madison Square Garden. I'm not saying homosexuality is funny, but going to see Cher with your "domestic partner" is as gay as one can get. ( Yeah I know that was a lame little story, fuckers)

    After an hour plus train ride, and a quick cab drive, we (Chris, Kristen & myself) arrived in front of The Boston Comedy Club located in the heart of lovely Greenwich Village. Soon after we arrived, Robert Kelly greeted us, and proceeded to grope my man tits. After shooting the shit for a few, we went inside and setup shop.

    The place quickly started filling up with other comedians, agents, friends & family members who all seem to have connections to Patrice. While looking around I noticed radio legend Opie sitting along the back wall, and talking to Robert Kelly. I was simply elated, as I have been a diehard Opie & Anthony fan since 1999. That show is the reason why this awful site exists today. Chris & I approached Opie and he was awfully courteous towards us. After we returned to our seats, Anthony had arrived as the radio Gods were united once again.

    Everyone was ordered to settle in as host Rich Vos was introduced to start things off. Vos pointed out how last night he was on NBC, and "tonight I'm working this firetrap with this fucking loser". Vos began hurling the insults, as he pointed out that Patrice was "5 of the 7 deadly sins." It wasn't too long until Vos belted out his patented "I'm too big for this" one liner much to the disgust of the crowd. Vos picked on other comedians in attendance, and had a great rant on how Norton ignored Opie & Anthony that night. "Opie who?...oh no, no I'm doing Stern this week! Fucking sellout cocksucker."

    For you reading this on the site, you're going to have to bare with me. I simply can not remember much of the lines spouted out by many of the comedians. I'm as fat as an elephant, but sadly I have the memory of a mongoloid. I tried recording a few of the sets, but my mic blew out and I was only able to get Patrice's closing statements. Once I get video or audio of the night, I will revise this pathetic attempt of a review.

   Now back to roast - Vos then introduced Robert Kelly who brought his high energy style to the stage. Kelly got the crowd going with several hilarious jabs towards Patrice & the other comics in attendance. Robert then showed a great video that he put together in which he asked several comedians & open mic'ers to give their honest opinions about Patrice. The wonderfully edited piece was  full of just pure hatred towards O'Neal, as he is known for fucking with his fellow comics. To view this video in it's entirety, click here (7MB, Quicktime format)

     Robert then played another hilarious video of Boston Comedy Club regular Steve Byrne. Apparently Byrne sent an audition tape to Saturday Night Live. Somehow Robert got a hold of it, and proceeded to show the awful footage of Byrne doing several hideous impressions. 

    Chris Kattan giving oral to John Belushi's rotting corpse live on the air would be funnier than Steve Byrne.

    DC Benny was up next, and was followed by tonight's first female Vanessa Hollingshead. Vanessa was especially mean and she hit Patrice was several personal yet funny insults. At one point Patrice left the stage while yelling "Damn., who knew she was this mean!?" She ended her set by saying "There are 2 black men in New York City that Lisa Lampanelli hasn't slept with - and Patrice O'Neal is both of them."

    Then the night's biggest celebrity, Colin Quinn, took the stage. Colin floored everyone by pointing out he hasn't seen this many washed up people since Laci Peterson and her dead baby showed up. Colin then made way for Todd Barry whose minimalist & dull delivery somehow went over well, mainly due to his utter brilliance. 

    Then the beloved Jim Norton assaulted everyone with his vicious & uproarious barbs. One line I remember was when he was talking about comedian Joe Matarese: "He has lips like a burn victim. When he lays on his side it looks like a 3rd grader's cunt."

     Norton left the stage to the loudest ovation of the night so far. Next up was the sexy Latino known as Greg Giraldo. Giraldo's intellectual and rambling style was well received by us all. Of course Giraldo did his "I'm smart & look at my fingers move" mannerisms that were pointed out by Colin Quinn earlier on in the night. Here is a picture displaying the technique:

    Carrie Karavas was unable to attend, so the lovely Lynn Koplitz literally read jokes written by Carrie off of index cards. She ended by giving Patrice 2 gifts, one being a book on Coping with Diabetes, and the other being headshots from when Patrice was younger (one of them was of the late Shirley Hemphill from the old tv show What's Happening!! )

    At this time Keith Robinson finally showed up. Throughout the night many of the comics were perplexed as to why he wasn't there yet. Vos then introduced him, but Robinson declined and an annoyed Ben Bailey then took the stage.

    I have to admit, we weren't expecting much from Bailey. As soon as he was introduced, Chris leaned over to me and said "This is gonna suck." I have seen him at the Comedy Cellar a few times, and his act is very off the wall, along with his delivery. He also has a keen resemblance to Mr. Horse from The Ren & Stimpy Show:

    Bailey took the mic and simply KILLED. He seemed genuinely aggravated over having to wait so damn long to finally get up there. Ben left me in stitches when he pointed out that "Robert Kelly is the only comedian that doesn't live up to his website." He then targeted Patrice's teeth and how "He looks like a fat 50 Cent." 

    Bailey made it a point to spend too much time up there due to him having to wait so long. It was worth it though, as he was the first roaster to get a standing ovation that night.

    Bailey raised the level with his great performance, only to have Keith Robinson bring the entire fucking event to a crashing halt. Robinson tried to exit the club as soon as Vos came up but was caught and ordered to take the stage. They should've let him leave.

    Robinson went up and immediately admitted that he didn't prepare anything ahead of time. He went on to improvise simply awful jokes, and got NO reaction at all from the crowd. He then reached down and grabbed some napkins that he scribbled on, and those jokes once again got no reaction. Robinson quickly became incensed, and had an intense look of anger in his eyes. Let the cringing begin, as he just stood up there like a deer in the head lights. After several attempts at stalling, the crowd began to really lace into him. A red light started flashing on him (this indicates when a comedian is running out of time and has to wrap it up) and he became even more aggravated. "I'm leaving this fucking stage when I want to, god damn it." The stage lights then began to dim as the crowd began cheering & clapping, thinking that the dummy would take a hint. Robinson remained stubborn and waited until the light came back on. Estee from the Comedy Cellar & Vos then approached and tried to literally drag him off the podium. He began yelling and his microphone was then cut off. The tirade continued and it seems Robinson simply snapped. Robinson shouted "You better put this fucking microphone back on!" several times as everyone got uncomfortable & quiet. 

    The mic was finally live once again as Keith's eyes were bloodshot by now. Everyone was at a loss for words, and after what seemed an eternity,  Robinson finally smiled and left the stage. KEITH ROBINSON WILL NEVER EVER LIVE THIS DOWN.

    After everyone regrouped & settled in, Vos introduced tonight's main attraction, Mr. Patrice O'Neal. The crowd  greeted Patrice with a standing ovation, as he quickly pointed out how embarrassed he was. "Keith is gonna hear about that every fucking day for a long time. I understand what he was doing, but it was in front of comics, and you can't trick them with your fucking 'I'm not gonna bomb' type of trickery."

   Patrice then started making fun of comedian Todd Lynn and suggested he should buy a bionic arm. Patrice targeted Giraldo and his 13 appearances on the Conan O'Brien show. To listen to Patrice's entire set, click here (1.5MB, mp3 format) 

Here are some more gems from Patrice's performance:

"What does Ben Bailey and The Belmont Stakes have in common? Neither one had a Funny-Cide"

"God bless DC Benny, I heard he is taking over (Insomniac) when Dave Attell leaves. The new show is gonna be called 'Now I Can Finally Get Some Sleep'"

"I heard Chris Rock telling Sherrod (Small) if he doesn't get funnier he is gonna only refer to himself as Tony Rock's cousin"

"Donnell (Rawlings) came to the roast only because it's the only word that reminds him of warming up"

"Lisa Lampenelli only sucks dick so she can do the spit take"

"Billy Burr does so many black rooms, that now he does an impression of Paul Mooney doing an impression of Brian Regan...red-headed nigger hack"

"There was a news report that there is a miracle drug that cures all diseases...and on a sad note Jim Norton just quit comedy"

"Manny from the Cellar just invited me over to his house for the first time. I couldn't believe just how much furniture he could fit inside Seinfeld's asshole"

"Keith (Robinson) MC's so much, that even when he headlines, after every joke he walks off & re-introduces himself"

   Patrice then thanked everyone for showing up and was shown given respect by us all. It was truly a great night in the world of comedy, proving that NYC is without question the capital of the comedy world.