Dokka Productions has done it again. I didn't think Masavia & Yumi would have been able to top their work at last year's Patrice O'Neal Roast. Boy was I wrong.

Carolines was jam packed hours before the event was set to go down. Upon walking up to the box office, one can see the Retarded Laverne & Shirley (from Opie & Anthony fame) standing next to another O&A reject, Stalker Patti. The atmosphere had a vintage O&A Road Show feel to it. This time it all revolved around everyone's favorite tinkle drinker, Jim Norton, and the top comedians in the NY/NJ area.

We all checked in by the bar area and stood there while tons of familiar faces filed in. Whether it was O&A show personalities, message board members, or the comedians themselves, the stage was set for perhaps the greatest night of comedy.

After greeting and conversing with several friends of the site, our table number was finally called and 8 of CH's finest were seated to the right of the stage. It was set up differently than last year's Patrice Roast. The podium stood in between 2 tables. Each table had 3 microphones on it so members of the dais can chime in with their own zingers. This setup worked out brilliantly, as some of the Roast's funniest moments came from the verbal exchanges thrown by the attacker & his/her victim.

There were several themes that many of the comedians played off of: Jim Norton's affection towards being pissed & shat upon, plus his odd physical appearance. Greg Giraldo's alcoholism, wife hatred, and failed sitcom pilots. Rich Vos' speech impediment, old material, tanning habits and Last Comic Standing failure. Patrice O'Neal's weight. Vanessa Hollingshead's physically disabled ex-husband Lucien (who also manages Comic Strip Live!.) Laurie Kilmartin's ample breasts, and her younger & Spanish boyfriend. Colin Quinn's failed projects in the past. Bob Levy's on stage ass eating. Lisa Lampanelli's love of black cock. Todd Lynn's dwarfed left arm. There were also tons inside jokes that I will do my best to explain throughout the review.

The lights dimmed and the festivities began with a wonderfully edited video from Patrice's Roast. The 6 minute masterpiece showed footage of Keith Robinson's career-killing performance from the event. In between the "highlights" of Keith bombing, several comedians such as Sherrod Small, Tony Rock, Rachael Feinstein, Marina Franklin, Ardie Fuqua & Dave Atell, offered their insight as to what happened that night. It also featured commentary from CH's own La Mott Jackson, and yours truly. I apologize to everyone in attendance who had to look at my fat head & awful teeth. I'm shocked I managed to somehow fit in frame.

The wonderful video was received well and garnered plenty of laughs. The lights came back up and the honorable Opie & Anthony were introduced to a loud & raucous standing ovation. I have to say, the boys looked primed & ready for a return. Anthony lost a lot of weight (even though he was relatively thin in the first place) and looked much better with his goatee grown back in. Opie looked like his usual blonde, surfer-like handsome self.

The boys right away addressed the FCC and what a cluster fuck the whole situation is. Anthony then pointed out Lady Di & Marion (aka The Retarded Laverne & Shirley) who were seated right up front. You could hear Marion's trademark down syndrome voice echoing through Carolines as Anthony berated her. Anthony called her a fucking pig, while Opie suggested that they should lose weight like they have. "The Retarded (Laverne & Shirley)...we should talk, we're The Retarded Starsky & Hutch."

Anthony then asked the crowd if they are thinking about getting satellite radio. The place erupted, as that statement in itself pretty much confirmed rumors about their return. Anthony then began talking about the purpose of the night, honoring L'il Jimmy Norton.

"If this son of a fuck doesn't know when to leave a sinking ship. The guy's gotta be the best coattail rider I've ever seen in my entire life." Anthony then treated us to his dead-on Andrew "Dice" Clay impression. "Hey Jimmy, were'd you go? Ohhhh!" Anthony goes on: "Then me & Opie look back and, hey, there's little Jimmy, on our fucking coattails. And then someone had to fuck in a church, and now he's Colin (Quinn's) fucking problem."

Opie takes the mic and teases us with a story they will tell when they return to *satellite* radio. He & Rich Vos were in South Beach together, and apparently Opie watched Vos make out with a 57 year old Albino grandmother. Opie said they would start their new career with the full story of that event. God, I can't wait to hear all about it on June 2nd. Opie then introduces Vos as tonight's host.

Vos is the perfect man to host an event such as this. He knows exactly how to work a hostile & drunken Opie & Anthony crowd due to his past experiences with their road shows. Vos gets on the microphone and right away attacks O&A:

"That's the fucking most work they've done in a year and a half...Good to see that Anthony's hair still looks like Frodo's feet...If you guys go on satellite, don't let Paul Mecurio have sex on a space station."

Vos explains how tonight you will hear many inside jokes. "Anything that you don't get that is too inside....believe me it's fucking funny. And if you really don't get it, it's really fucking funny."

Vos then plugs this shitty website and talks about our very own West Coast Report-er, Vyse. "I was just in Sacramento working last weekend, and one of the guys from Cringe Humor was there. He said he was flying in for this roast. How fucking empty is your life? I didn't want to come from Jersey to do this bullshit."

Some drunken ass then heckles, and Vos greets him with a "SHUT THE FUCK UP! This ain't the O&A days, (points to self) NBC star - go fuck yourself...Opie, Anthony go get me a coffee." The crowd began to turn on Vos, but like the professional that he is, Vos managed to restore order and began introducing members of the dais.

Vos called out each member and threw in little insults as they stumbled to their assigned seats. Here are some of the highlights:

Vanessa Hollingshead: "Vanessa's been doing standup for a while. Her fucking comedy calendar has more holes than Amadou Diallo"

After introducing Colin Quinn & Jim Florentine, Vos points out how he just realized he wore the same suit to last year's Patrice Roast. "What are the fucking odds? I said to myself, did I wear this one last year?" Colin Quinn interjects with: "What are the odds? 1 to 1." The crowd erupts and Colin gets a healthy applause.

Patrice O'Neal: "I did some research on Patrice, and I looked up his family tree...there are still 4 cousins living in it...Patrice's career is sky-rocketing, he's on a new show coming out. Now when he does a College, he gets $5,000 a show. For an extra thousand after the show, he'll walk out to a pasture and let the College kids tip him over"

Vos now introduces Nick DiPaolo and points out what an anti-semetic scumbag he is. Vos then asks if DiPaolo wants to sit next to Colin so he can suck his dick some more.

Ross Bennett was up next and Vos attacked his odd physical appearance and long career.

Greg Giraldo: "I'm not saying that Greg has a drinking problem, but his liver is so black & bloated, it looks like Patrice."

Vos brought up the big-breasted Laurie Kilmartin (who is also a writer for Tough Crowd) and began picking on her younger, Spanish boyfriend. Patrice & Colin then attacked Vos for bringing up something so personal, but then told everyone how she met her man on the road and that he is 10 years younger than her.

Bob Levy: "When I told bob that the Roast was going to be at Carolines, he was scared that he would have to pay the 2 drink minimum. The last time that Bob worked in NY, was Rochester."

Vos talks about how Robert Kelly couldn't make it out for the Roast due to auditions out in LA. "Bobby on Cringe Humor was voted Breakthrough Performer in the year 2003. The only fucking thing he broke through was his clothing...He's somewhere on the West Coast introducing Dane Cook."

Ben Bailey was up next, but he wasn't able to find his assigned seat. Quicker than a hiccup, Vos tells him to sit "anywhere where it says 'boring'" This crowd loses it, and howls with laughter.

Vos introduces the man of the hour, Jim Norton. The crowd greeted him with a partly standing ovation. "I've never seen a 1/16th of a standing ovation before" quipped Colin Quinn. Norton returns fire with: "You've also never seen a crowd this big before!"

Vos serves up some insults towards Norton that didn't go over too well with the crowd. "Please laugh at all of Crockett's suit jokes so we can move along," states a smug Colin Quinn.

Bob Levy was once again targeted by Vos, "You're not used to this crew huh? You're not used to this without Artie Lange sitting next to ya huh?" Patrice bust out with his trademark laugh and Vos goes after him. "What are you laughing at , fucking Benedict Patrice? O & A who?" O'Neal explains his appearance on the Howard Stern Show: "Listen, if a bitch stop fucking you, that don't mean you stop fucking all other bitches. I'm waiting for them to come back...I'm willing to come to fucking XM Radio to be with these motherfuckers." Vos replies, "That's the only thing you can spell!" The crowd once again loses it as Vos owned Patrice.

Vos continues attacking Norton, and once again his jokes aren't going over. Vos pointed out how Norton's physique is similar to Ruth Buzzi's. Norton asks Vos how old is he that he had to use her for a joke. Undaunted, Vos continues. "Norton's physique is so bad, he's a stand-in for the Pope."

"One night me & Norton are doubling this girl..." Greg Giraldo interrupts: "By doubling do you mean paying her twice?" Giraldo receives an applause break from that brilliant one-liner. Vos continues, "So we're doubling this girl, me & Norton, and the lights were completely off...so I think I'm titty-fucking her..."

Rich wraps it up and introduces tonight's first roaster, Jim Florentine.

Now, I will cut back on the quotes and feature the best one liners from each performer. I will also explain whatever hilarious inside jokes come up so all of you non industry readers will hopefully understand them. If you still don't get it, you suck.

Jim Florentine

The worked up crowd greeted Florentine with his patented "YAY!" catchphrase. He immediately goes after Vos saying that he's the only man on television that lost to a guy who did his laundry last week (Dat Phan for you dense fuckers.) Florentine continues to pound Vos, comparing him to Michael Jackson, and even dubbed him as the George Hamilton of comedy due to his excessive tanning habits.

Florentine's funniest zinger was directed toward Greg Giraldo. "Greg's been in a lot of bad TV shows that have never made it onto the air. The only way he will be in a good pilot is if he digs up one of the Wright Brothers and fucks him in the ass." The crowd loses it and Florentine gets a deserved applause break early on.

Colin was up next as Florentine mentions that the only thing shorter than his NBC show was his recent marriage. The crowd groaned and Florentine apologized.

Without skipping a beat, Florentine delivered another classic one-liner about Nick DiPaolo. "Nick has a lot in common with the Buttafucos. He looks like Joey, and he talks out of the side of his mouth like Mary Jo."

Jim then fired away at Norton, talking about how they lived together for 4 years. Florentine explains how much money they saved when they lived together because Norton drank so much piss their water bill was only $4 a month. Florentine then discussed Jim's "neat freak" habits. Norton never let Florentine drink coffee in his car, yet he'll have hookers shit & piss all over his chest in the backseat.

Florentine then talks about Norton's new MTV show. He compares it to giving Michael Jackson his own show on Nickelodeon. "The Twin Towers falling down is more comfortable to watch than Norton on TV."

Vanessa Hollingshead

Vanessa seemed very uncomfortable and timid due to the raucous O&A crowd. She fumbled through her words and spoke in a very soft monotone. Her jokes weren't going over that well at first, and the disrespectful crowd let her know it.

The crowd began booing & heckling her which is something you SHOULDN'T fucking do at a Roast. Just because you don't get the inside jokes doesn't mean you should voice your displeasure. Like a trooper, Vanessa acknowledged she lost the crowd and kept plugging along.

Nick DiPaolo kept fucking with her though. Vanessa went after Nick and mistakenly assumed that he was the only Italian not to be on The Sopranos. "I did one last year, you stupid cunt", replied DiPaolo. Vanessa got him back good by saying he's one bad joke away from being a Vegas lounge lizard. "You're like Tony Clifton, only you don't have the alter-ego that has a career."

Vanessa ended up strong though, and avoided pulling a "Keith Robinson."

Nick DiPaolo

The miserable DiPaolo got the crowd fired up again, pointing out how he has to follow the hole left before him from Vos & Vanessa. Dipaolo right away threw barbs at Vos. "What do you get when you cross John Kerry's head with Rich's teeth? Seabiscuit."

Nick then targeted Vanessa by telling a story about when they worked together at Foxwoods Casino: "She walked the reservation" (which in comedy means having audience members leave during your set.) Vanessa then pointed out how tonight DiPaolo is following her act. Nick destroyed her, "Again another stellar joke, boy you suck. Why don't you sew up that pussy and grow a dick. We might get a joke out of you. What the fuck did you break your funny bone and forget to set it?"

DiPaolo then attacked Comic Strip Live! manager Lucien (whom Vanessa still sees) and his various physical ailments. Greg Giraldo was next on his hit list, as he went over his recently failed pilot with NBC. "This guy has killed more pilots than Hamas."

Nick on Giraldo's wife hating material: "Greg's got a wife he's not very fond of. I don't want to say Greg hates his wife, but she's the only woman I know who bleeds once a month from her lip...Greg recently found out he's going to be a daddy for the 3rd time. I don't want to say he's unhappy, but I saw him stealing a coat hanger out of the coat check here at Carolines."

Laurie Kilmartin was next as DiPaolo pointed out how she's very funny and has big tits. "She'll be at least as famous as John Goodman." After discussing Bob Levy's blue cheese gimmick, DiPaolo then bashed Colin Quinn and his fucked up life.

Nick finally got to Norton after nearly 8 minutes in. "Is this what it's coming to? We fucking roast strong middles from New Jersey?" DiPaolo then pounced upon Jim's piss drinking fetish and love of hookers. "Norton had to pay a transvestite double because Jim didn't have a chin that the guy can rest his nuts on."

DiPaolo proved what a master of the cringe style of comedy he is, and left the stage to a blaring ovation.

Greg Giraldo

The handsome and intoxicated Latino took the mic and poked fun at Vos' speech impediment, Last Comic Standing failure and old material. "You know you're really on the cusp of stardom when you have to co-headline with Cory Kahaney." Giraldo proceeded to make fun of Laurie Kilmartin's massive tits, Ross Bennett's awful suit, and Bob Levy's Jersey hack hairstyle.

Giraldo then went after Robert Kelly, who had to cancel his appearance at the last minute. "Fucking closet faggot. He has more stories about having his ass in the air and having people tickling his ass, sticking shit in his ass. Bobby's been on all fours more often than Modi during fleet week." Inside joke explanation: Modi is a Comedy Cellar regular who is also bisexual.

Giraldo mentions how Robert had to be in LA. "When did Bobby Kelly ever accomplish anything that didn't come on the heels of Dane Cook? He's out there doing Dane's laundry for Christ sake. He shaved his head so he can cram it more easily up Dane Cook' ass...he's got his head so far up Dane Cook's ass, he can actually see the hack-y thoughts as they form. The fact that you people like Dane Cook makes me wanna piss all over you, honestly."

The awful Lisa Lampanelli was next and Greg pointed out her love for black men. "She's been covered in more black goo than the La Brea Tar Pits."

Giraldo finally got to Norton and remarked about how he's back to being a middle act due to Opie & Anthony being fired. "If I'd of known that 2 people fucking in a church would have brought Norton back down to earth, I might have taken Nick's (DiPaolo) wife up on her offer." The crowd erupted and Greg went after O&A some more. "You fuckers deserve everything that happened to you, just for putting Paul Mecurio on the radio."

Greg taked about Patrice O'Neal's success as he now has his own show. "He's on the new season of Survivor, he plays the Island. 2 teams from Survivor are going to battle it out in the folds of his neck fat."

Greg finished up his kick ass set by mentioning how people always say Norton tells the truth in his act. Giraldo talks about his shitting & pissing fetish and how it's bullshit that Norton tells people he wasn't molested when he was a child. "Just admit it, you were touched more often than Jim David's prostate."

Laurie Kilmartin

All I can say to Laurie is WOW. I really was not expecting much from her, especially after Vanessa's performance. I was amazed at just how twisted Laurie can be. She should show her dark side more often when she writes for Tough Crowd.

Laurie came out blazing and called Vos a short, ugly hack with a salon tan. "Rich, you're the only Jew I know who voluntarily puts himself in an oven once a week." This received one of the loudest ovations of the night and Laurie continues: "When Vos hears the sound of his dead relatives wailing, he knows it's time to flip over."

Cringe to the max! Laurie then brutally attacks Greg Giraldo. "Greg, you self-hating husband. I've never heard anyone hate his wife like Greg hates his. The only reason Greg keeps getting her pregnant is he's hoping she'll die during child birth."

The assault continues from Laurie, as this time she has Colin in her crosshairs. "It's so easy to write for Colin, most of his jokes end the same - 'what, nothing?'...you're the worst actor I've ever seen in my life, and I've seen Nick DiPaolo act married."

Kilmartin then set her sights on Patrice and how he sends out booty calls to all the white women. "Patrice accused me of not fucking him because he's black. Yeah, like I'm really attracted to dumb, fat white guys. If I was, I'd be fucking Bobby Kelly."

After calling Patrice "Blacky Arbuckle", Laurie finally spewed her venom towards Norton. "Every time Jim is on (Tough Crowd) we say the same thing. If only his material was as strong as his chin."

"Jim, you're a jinx. First you ended Dice's career, then you killed O&A. You weren't on the phone with Spalding Gray recently, were you?...By the way, those aren't liver spots on Jim's head, they're puncture wounds from a wire hanger."

Laurie's 5 minute set was absolute perfection! Her timing and delivery was amazing, and her zingers had everyone cringing. Laurie was definitely the MVP of the Roast. The crowd gave her a partial standing ovation, which she rightfully deserved.

***

It was now time for a quick intermission and we were treated to another great video courtesy of Masavia & Yumi from Dokka Productions. It started out with Masavia talking about how Norton spent time in the hospital after a recent visit to Brazil. Apparently he caught some type of vanereal disease from the various hookers he was with. Masavia then mentioned how the great Derek Jeter visited L'il Jimmy during his stay. This hilarious picture then popped up on the screen:

After that, comedians Marc Maron and Wil Sylvince threw some insults at Norton. The treat of the video had to be the uber sexy Lynne Koplitz. The lovely Lynne offered to help Norton find the perfect woman. We then see Lynne in a doctor's office with 4 cups of urine on a counter behind her. Lynne then sniffed & drank each urine sample and determined who the perfect woman for Norton is. Very funny stuff. Although it could have been sexier if Lynne poured the piss all over her face & tits and called herself a dirty whore. Mmmm maybe next time.

The video production was top notch stuff, as usual from Dokka.

Everyone started filing back in and Vos attacked Lady Di & Marion. "We have (Lady Di), Marion, and Stalker Patti sitting next to each other. It's like the evolution of people no one will fuck."

***

Colin Quinn

Mr. Quinn was introduced to a huge ovation as several females shouted out "I love you" to him. Colin seemed very relaxed and didn't stumble over any of his jokes, for once.

"Rich Vos is the hardest man in comedy to follow, unless you have a working knowledge of the (New Jersey) Turnpike. His career looks like the opening sequence to The Sopranos." Colin then talked about the Last Comic Standing controversy and how people think it's fixed. "Vos made it to the finals last year. Does that give you a hint?"

Quinn continued his attacks on Vos and went after his old material. Colin caught Vos' recent apperance on Jimmy Kimmel Live and pointed out that it was the same material he did on Comic Strip Live 14 years ago. "Thank God you get your haircut so I can tell what year it is...Vos' daughter actually said 'Dad, I'll forget the $8 if you stopping doing that joke'"

Quinn then went after another Tough Crowd regular, Patrice O'Neal. "He wears those throwbacks (football jerseys) every night so his material looks topical."

Colin then berated Robert Kelly, and said he's in LA auditioning for a Dane Cook pilot."It's true, they say the part is based on his real relationship with Dane. I think it's called Pimps Up, Hoes Down."

Colin then pegged Ross Bennett perfectly by saying he's the only guy that looks like both Penn & Teller. Colin bashed Jim David next, observing how old & wrinkled he is and that he looks like Mt. Rushmore with AIDS.

Quinn finally got to L'il Jimmy and once again was dead on. "Jim looks like a sandcastle thats kids got bored playing with half way through."

Rev. Bob Levy

Many of you hardcore Opie & Anthony fans might now know about Levy's role on The Howard Stern Show. Levy is notorious for writing several CLASSIC roasts for whomever Howard has a beef with. Sal Governale told me before the Roast that Levy has some great shit ready, and he did not disappoint at all.

Right out of the box, Levy went after Norton's love of hookers. "Can you imagine having to fuck Jim Norton? It must be like hooker Fear Factor...Norton & a hooker in the room together looking at each other? I bet I know what's going through bot of their minds - I hope this filthy fuck don't give me AIDS"

Levy then tells Vos to give Gary Coleman his suit back, and then talks about how Patrice doesn't shut up on Tough Crowd. "Not to be mistaken by the other guy who don't shut the fuck up, Judy Gold." Levy continues assaulting Patrice and how his shadow weighs 250lbs. "It looks like somebody glued the cast of Roots together....Look at the size of him, I didn't know watermelon had that many calories."

Levy then berated Colin and observed how he has the delivery of a stroke victim. Levy acknowledged Opie & Anthony and told us they're the only guys who think Jay Mohr is funny (which is both hilarious & true.)

Vos finally got his and Levy picked on the fact that Vos lost to Dat Phan. According to Levy, NBC means: "Never Beats Chinks....you lost to Margaret Cho with a cock."

Bob ended his great set by once again picking on Norton's sexual quirks. "Norton called me a while ago and he said his new girlfriend was shitting all over him. I just thought she was treating him bad."

Ross Bennett

I've honestly never heard of Ross until he started working the Comedy Cellar recently. Ross took the podium with his awful technicolor suit and Gene Shalit-like hair style. The crowd wasn't giving Ross a chance at first, as they all guffawed at his odd physical appearance.

Ross quickly won the crowd over by tackling such topics as Vos' capped teeth, comparing Colin Quinn to The Godfather & Greg Giraldo's alcoholism.

Ross then fired away at Vanessa Hollingshead. "If any of you want to know what it's like to have children, just write a few jokes for Vanessa. It's exciting & heart-breaking. You write a good joke, you have all the hope in the world for it...and then she comes along like a drunk driver on prom night and then kills them & 2 others."

Ross goes on to talk about how Laurie Kilmartin has to deal with all the male comedians hitting on her. "This woman has shot down more comics than Phil Hartman's wife." Ross continues to trash Laurie and talks about how large her cunt is.

The Ronald McDonald looking comedian finally starts insulting Norton. "When I first met Jim, we bonded, but that's what happens when you lie down and spoon before you wipe of all the cum."

On Norton's love of being shit on: "Jim's idea of a roofie is slipping ex lax into his date's drink....This man's a gentleman, he always lets his dates order first. Then he tells the waiter 'I'll have what she's having....not now - later'"

Patrice O'Neal

Patrice wrote most of his insults during the Roast itself, and showed how brilliant on-the-fly he is. O'Neal went at Laurie first and attacked her face, "She looks like she opened The Lost Ark too early."

Patrice then picked on Ben Bailey's slow delivery, but sadly not many people there have seen Ben's act. O'Neal began zinging other members of the dais in a rapid fire style. He wants to slap Ross Bennett because he looks like Larry from The 3 Stooges. Greg Giraldo looks like a Puerto Rican Frankenstein, who has the improv skills as the guy from Slingblade.

"Vanessa Hollingshead...if you haven't seen this bitch, congratulations." Everyone in attendance went nuts as Patrice went on: "I watch Vanessa's fucking act like I watch the sun." Patrice then did a little physical comedy as he squinted his eyes and shielded his face.

The loveable O'Neal got to Norton and trashed his physical appearance. "Somebody asked a little girl what it was like to massage Jim, and she said 'you ever separate 2 egg whites?' He has the skin texture of crime scene chalk. He looks like a fuckin' fresh autopsy."

"Jim has opened for so many different people, his nickname should be 'sesame'...Norton should change his last name to "When's O&A Coming Back?"

Patrice ended his great set with more physical comedy and re-enacted Norton's birth by pantomiming somebody squeezing a pimple.

Ben Bailey

Bailey lived up to his MVP status from Patrice's Roast and kicked ass for 12 minutes. Bailey is completely different from his stand up act when he's roasting someone. He has one of the most twisted minds I've ever seen, and he lets it all hang out at events such as this. Bailey is so blunt & brutally honest, almost intimidating.

"It really is great to be here tonight, alongside some of the greatest comics in New Jersey." Bailey then picked on Stress Factory owner Vinnie Brand and how he couldn't make it for the roast because he is co-headlining with Eric McMahon & Don Jamieson. Very funny inside shit.

"Geez, I really hope this goes well. I'd hate to have 4 people reading about a bad set on the Cringe Humor website." We love you Ben, and since the Roast we now have 7 visitors a day!

Bailey flubbed a line and Giraldo kept calling him out on it, interrupting Bailey several times. Each time Giraldo would bring it up, Bailey would OWN Greg. "Do you have something funny to say about your horrible married life?...Take a god damn drink and lose a sitcom you son of a bitch." It was getting so bad, that Colin Quinn himself seriously tried to get Greg to shut up.

DiPaolo's racism was Bailey's next topic as he told Nick he was up in Aspen for 5 days, and the only black person there was Chris Rock. Robert Kelly's awful shaven head was then targeted: "Bobby shaved his head in hopes that it would have the same effect on his career that it did for Jim Norton. Clearly he forgot about Mike DeNicola."

Bailey once again went after Giraldo and pointed that he now has a middle-aged, dad body. "What the fuck happened to you? You used to come rolling into clubs on your motorcycle like Lorenzo Lamas on Renegade."

Bailey fucking trounced Patrice O'Neal and railed on his weight for several minutes. "Why do you have basketball shoes?...Do they keep you from twisting your ankle, as you walk sluggishly from the couch to the refrigerator? You shouldn't spend your money on basketball shoes, you should hire someone to feed you and clean your habitat."

Bailey worked his way to Vos and ripped apart his huge teeth, and his appearance as Lenny Bruce on NBC's American Dreams.

It was finally Norton's turn in the barrel. Bailey compared Norton to a young Don Rickles. Bailey then pointed out how Jim has become an opinionated creep now that he's somewhat famous. Bailey's funniest Norton zinger was based on his awful bald head: "You look like The Hamburglar without the hat."

Jim Norton

After several hours of some of the best comedy I've witnessed, it was finally time for Jim Norton to take the podium. Norton was greeted to a huge standing ovation, nearly blowing the roof off of Carolines.

Norton opened up by talking about how Vos' fame has dwindled since his Last Comic Standing days. "You couldn't have crashed & burned any faster if you had Columbia written on your chest."

After grilling Vos with several more great one-liners, Norton went after Jason & Evan Steinberg (from the Steinberg Talent Group) and pointed out how cheap they are.

Lady Di & Marion interrupted the show, like the mongoloids that they are, and prompted Norton to open up about his position with Opie & Anthony. "Opie & Anthony, you know what really makes me sad? In 3 months I'll have to start returning your calls again."

Norton thanked Florentine for coming and pointed out how his schedule is so bad, he wished the Roast would have fallen on New Year's Eve. "Nice to see after 15 years you decided to follow in Jim Henson's foot steps."

Norton talked about Vanessa's career, then what it's like working with Nick DiPaolo. After that he went on about Greg Giraldo's failed projects.

Then we get to perhaps the line of the night: "Laurie Kilmartin, thanks for coming, I loved your head in The Godfather."

ABSOLUTELY FUCKING BRILLIANT.

Norton followed up that gem, and bashed his current boss, Colin Quinn. "You did Crocodile Dundee 2, and Night At The Roxbury, but turned down Austin Powers. How does it feel to be the Pete Best of comedy? And the only reason I'm into being shit on, is because one time a prostitute unexpectedly dropped a copy of your HBO special onto my chest."

Norton then grilled his old pal, Bob Levy, and observed how his career has gone into the shitter. "You're not supposed to go from Rascal's Comedy Hour to Where Are They Now?...You do so much road work, you ought to walk on stage wearing a reflective orange vest."

Norton then picked on Ross Bennett's huge head and how he looks like Garry Shandling with down syndrome. "Do little kids run up to you in Shea Stadium because they think you're Mr. Met?"

Norton worked his way to Patrice and told him he tried out for Last Comic Standing because he was inspired when Patrice won American Idol. Norton congratulated Patrice on getting his own show and didn't know they were remaking What's Happenin'.

Norton finally got to insulting comedian Todd Lynn. For those of you who don't know, Lynn has a dwarfed left arm resulting from an accident. "Half man, half kangaroo. You can always tell when Todd is doing pushups, because the left side of his face is all scraped up." Patrice lost it, and stood up in disbelief at how funny that was.

Norton then thanked everyone for coming out, the comics, the fans, etc.

There you have it people. I apologize for this long fucking review, but the Roast was full of so many great moments. It was without question the greatest comedy event I've had the honor to witness. Everyone brought their "A" game, and everything went off perfectly.

I cannot wait to see any future roasts that Masavia & Yumi have planned. The Norton Roast could have easily been dubbed "The Super Bowl Of Comedy."

Thanks again for reading,

-Patrick

Note: DOKKA PRODUCTIONS is not releasing any audio or video of the Jim Norton Roast at this moment - please check back here for updated news.