By Jeremy Schachter
Former New York State Governor Elliot Spitzer was recently forced to resign because of his rendezvous with a prostitute. Good for you Elliot. It's a pleasure to see such a high profile politician get in trouble for some good old fashioned heterosexuality. It hasn't been since the Clinton years that we've seen it. Sure we've had our political sex scandals but they've all been a little "alternative" if you will. You had that guy in Florida who tried to molest his underage male page, there was Larry Craig who tried to blow a cop at the Minneapolis airport, and who'll ever forget Gayvernor McGreevey of New Jersey.
The media is a vicious beast though that lumps all these scandals together. Once the news of Spitzer broke the media was all over it and made a point of comparing Spitzer to all the aforementioned pols. I don't think that's fair for a variety of reasons but mainly the whole gay thing. I mean I don't think Spitzer would ever hang out with those other guys. I don't think he has a problem with gay guys, but they're just not into the same stuff. Like if Spitzer went to some political sex scandal club that they all hung out at, I think he'd be a little surprised to find the company he was in. Like let's say he walks in and sees Larry Craig before Larry gets caught and is all like "What's up Larry, I didn't know you were in the political sex scandal club. It's my first time here, what are you looking for tonight?" Then Larry was like, "I'm gonna try to blow a guy in the bathroom." I'd pay money to see the look on Spitzer's face as he was like "Ya know, I think I gotta get outta here. I might be in the wrong place."
Let's also remember that even though Spitzer was with a prostitute which is a dirty thing he wasn't as disgusting as these other guys. I mean gay or not Larry Craig tried to hook up in an airport bathroom, and the guy from Florida was trying to get with kids. I mean there's a distinct difference between them.
The biggest crime Elliot committed was not however the fact that he slept with a prostitute but rather the amount of money he paid to do it, upwards of $5,000 a night. That's insane. I wouldn't pay $5,000 for any woman. Not even a famous one. The only way I'd pay that much for a woman is if she was a mermaid, because then I have a story. I could be like dude "I paid five grand for a hooker last night." You'd be like "Idiot." But then if I was like "She's a mermaid." That'd be a different story. "Yeah she was breathing under water, singing songs from the movie, it was crazy."
So now we have a new Governor, David Patterson. He's black and blind and doesn't even sing. There's no way this guy would have been elected on his own. He came out right away and let everyone know that he cheated on his wife too but no one cared because he didn't pay for it. She did it for free. In his defense though he also had no idea it wasn't his wife. Apparently all boobs are brail for wife.
By Jeremy Schachter
At this point everyone knows what went down. Atlanta Falcon’s quarterback Michael Vick was the leader of a huge dog-fighting ring. There were a bunch of dogs on his property, some alive and some dead. He made them fight, he body slammed them, electrocuted them, hung them by their teeth to the ceiling, etc. He’s obviously a sick person, but I can’t tell what’s more disgusting, the fact that Michael Vick is guilty of torturing innocent animals or the fact that so many people are attempting to defend his behavior.
There are people out there who think Michael Vick is getting a bad rap. They say dog fighting is part of hip-hop culture and it’s a race thing. Yeah, so is drug dealing, robbery, and shooting. That should probably be okay too. If you think this is a race thing for even a second I hate you for real.
Then there are the Vick supporters who attempt to make a more legitimate argument. They say dogs are just animals and we do such horrible things to other animals so why not dogs too. They say we hunt deer, eat cows, etc. Let me explain to you why there’s no comparison.
Cows and other farm animals are our food. We don’t eat dogs in this country. Not on purpose anyway. I’m never eating at the Wok & Roll again is all I’m saying. Farm animals are for our survival. We eat them and we wear them. We have for mad long. I’m sure in this day and age there is some inhumane stuff going on with the way our farm animals are treated and that sucks but it’s a whole other conversation, and as far as I know no one is out there making cows fight to the death although that would be funny.
Then you’ve got wild animals some of which you can hunt legally and deer are at the top of the list in because of their large population. I don’t like it but that’s how it goes. It’s either get shot by a hunter or hit by a car and shake on the side of the road for an hour before a state trooper comes and finishes you off. It’s brutal I know but at least the cop’s using his gun and not his tazer. And let’s not forget that we’re killing thousands of dogs every year too because no one adopts them. Maybe we should try that with people. If dogs were wild animals like deer than we’d probably be hunting them too. However, dogs are innately cool with people so I’m not sure how much of a hunt it’d really be. I mean a deer you have to chase and shoot at. All you have to do to catch a dog is say “Here boy.”
What I’m saying is that if you can’t see the difference between a dog and any other animal then something is wrong with you. And the bottom line is that no animal should be forced to fight to the death. No animal should be electrocuted, body slammed, or any thing else cruel and inhumane. If they are and we don’t know about it I hope that this horrific scandal can expose it. As for what should happen to Michael Vick let’s just say my torture views towards people are totally different than towards animals.