The West Coast Report May 1st, 2004 - Open Mic Night At The Java Source

This past Saturday night I had the chance to catch an open mic at the Java Source coffee shop in San Francisco's famed Richmond District. Famed because there are a lot of chinks living there. So anyway, venturing away from the Punchline for a change, I headed out to Java Source with Charlie to check out my friend Vladimir Khlynin's project. Vladimir sets up his P.A. system on Saturday nights at the coffee shop, allowing himself and other eager comics to test out material on the sparse audience. The audience is small, with most of the patrons are on the patio part of the shop, but each comic tries their best. It made no difference that only 5 people were there to start off the show. Each comic that went up chugged away and didn't let anything bother them.

Vladimir Khlynin starts the show off. Some people might remember him as the young comic from the cover of SF Weekly in March or from the Last Comic Standing 2 semi-finals. Vladimir is a really great, humble guy. At age 20 and with only a years worth of comic experience, Vladimir seems very comfortable onstage even when he thinks he's bombing. He starts off his set with a joke about a girl asking him if she looked fat. He tells her no, and that she looks pregnant, so go abort that fat. He mentions how as a teen he was rebellious towards everything, but now he's more specific, citing that he hates Safeway and Mark. Talk delves into his driving instructor sounding like Louie Armstrong, the cure for erectile dysfunction is to be a 14 year old boy, and how his hot teachers in high school made it hard for him to write an essay with a hard-on. He then does a bit about audience members at Passion of Christ ruining the movie by citing bible phrases and the Russian mafia taking over stand-up comedy being bad.

Up next was a local hero named Tony Sparks. A very vibrant guy, Tony talks about how by being black, he's always mistaken for other black people, namely the gay Dr. Dre. Sparks is more of a story telling comic, talking about how the quality of drag queens in San Francisco has drastically gone down and that he never see any white people at the unemployment office.

Sam Arno was up next and I really liked him. He's pretty mellow in his delivery, while bitter at the same time. He talks about how his ex-wife went lesbian and that now he has to share his daughters’ upbringing with a bunch of lesbos. He then mentions how men's balls are the grossest thing ever. He is disgusted by them and wonders who invented tea bagging because it is so gross.

The next comic was the lovely Leah Eva. Her set consists of her talking about her old roommate who was a crack addict. She then talks about crack a lot. She also mentions that the minority Barbie collection is very stereotypical and how she gets weirded out when her black friends call her "Nigga".

Dave McRae was the next guy up. Dave is a fellow CH forum member, posting as Gain_on_10. I must say, Dave was really funny. The other comics referred to him as the John Madden/Bill Clinton of comedy because he resembles both. Dave is a super guy who joked about how he can't relate to his 15 year old son without quoting Limp Bizkit and using the word "motha fucka" whenever he tries to communicate with his son or get him to do something. He also states that buying maxi pads for married guys is more embarrassing than buying condoms as a single guy. He mentions that buying Kotex just doesn't register with the male mind, saying that a guy looking at Kotex is like a vampire looking at a cross...he just wants to die. He finishes his set by informing younger guys that they need to give better oral to women. "Tease the nipples & lick the clit" are his words of wisdom, telling guys that the sore tongue and stiff neck will be worth it the next day.

I didn't get too much off of the next guy, Alfred Muller. He discussed his divorce for most of his set, and then talked about how a crack head asked him for 12 cents one time. He mentions that being a jehovah's witness on Halloween really sucked.

The next comic was a woman named simply Amma. A very angry black woman, she talks about how she woke up one day and turned into her mother, which she hates. Her mom thinks that everyone in the U.S. is on crack; she hates kids in America because they're spoiled with food, water and bathrooms. She hates how there are too many rules to having children, namely that you can't kill, hit or yell at them.

The last guy to do a set was a guy named Clifford Brien. All I can say about him is wow. I didn't understand anything he said except that he volunteered at a retard halfway house just to get some material for his act.

All in all, it was a fun show. Vladimir does a really good job with putting it together. The thing I liked most about it was that everyone went out and tried really hard even when the milk foaming machine was at it's highest volume. I suggest anyone in the San Francisco area to come and check out a free night of local comedy. If you're a comedian looking to work a different room, come out and sign up. The shows are on Saturday nights and start at 10pm. Java Source is located on the corner of 4th St & Clement.

-Munir