By Adam Brown
The second half of episode one takes us to that legendary hotbed of comedy talent, Tempe, AZ. Fred Willard, who is funny (in movies) and Kathy Najimy, the star of some NBC show that you most likely don't watch are on hand as tonight's judges. I guess that makes about as much sense as anything else on this show. Let's get to it.
The first audition is from a guy named Dick Dynamo, who, awesomely, is wearing a head band and some sports goggles that look like they came from a 1980's era Kurt Rambis yard sale.
He takes the stage, screams something about how he's been standing in line all day, and then runs around the club screaming and just in general scaring the shit out of everyone in the room. It's not funny, but the judges are uncomfortable to the point of terror, so it makes me laugh nonetheless.
After the obligatory montage of strange auditions we meet Marcus, who apparently doesn't have a last name. Imagine, if you dare, that Dane Cook was an impressionist. That's Marcus. The judges love him, he's got I'd-do-him-if-we-were-in-prison good looks, there is no way he won't make the finals. This fucking show.
After a couple more auditions that I didn't watch we cut to Kathy Najimy being interviewed. The first words out of her mouth... “I've never done this before.” Of course not, you wouldn't be on the show if you had.
After another audition by some frat boy douche named Adam Hunter, the scene shifts to some kind of photo booth contraption where Fearne Whoeverthefuck is sitting on Bill Bellamy's lap. They're here to inform us that...are you sitting down?...it's very hot in Tempe, AZ. Christ 
almighty, am I watching NBC or CNN? I take a second to let that breaking news sink in and then it's off to another audition.
Christina Pazsitzky went to law school for two weeks, dropped out, and apparently re-enrolled shortly thereafter to work on a degree in raging obnoxiousness. Being that she's getting her very own video introduction it's a given that she'll be asked back. And she is. After exiting the club we're treated to a shot of her and Bill Bellamy in the hall way. She makes some comment about terminating her opponents while at the same time making some vague rapper like gesture. Bill Bellamy gets in on the act and for a few minutes they both pretend to be black. Good times.
And then, all hell breaks loose. Not really, but there is all of a sudden a “comic” dressed in what appears to be John Travolta's costume from Battlefield Earth. Fred Willard looks amused, Najimy looks horrified, and I look at another picture of my girlfriend Esther Ku.
Awesome. Anyway, the alien isn't hilarious, but he's every bit as “funny” as the other people they've put through. He doesn't make it though. My advice, wear a Dane Cook costume next time. These judges eat that shit up.
One more unfunny whore gets asked back and it's time for the showcase. Hell yes, I can't wait. Robert Mac, who is the unfunny whore I just referred to, is first to take the stage. He blows.
Jim McCue is up next. He's by far the funniest up to this point, but for some reason we haven't seen him until now. Better luck next year Jim, I don't think it's looking good.
Up next, Chantel Rae. She's pretty fucking hot. I like that. Send her through I say. She and Esther can wrestle to decide who sticks around.
Josh McDermitt is up next. He's funny, but also kind of overweight. This one could go either way by Last Comic Standing standards.
Marcus the impressionist is next and it's finally confirmed. This ass clown does, in fact, not have a last name. He just goes by Marcus. Man, fuck this guy.
Finally, it's decision time. Marcus is through…of fucking course. Against all odds, a balding redhead dude named Phil somethingorother makes it though. Adam Hunter is through. And for some reason, that's it. Only three make it. No chicks, nobody funny.
It's business as usual at Last Comic Standing.
Coming to you late, but a recap of LCS in NYC
By Adam Brown
It's that time again. The weather is warm, there isn't shit on television and I'm drinking way more than I should. That can only mean one thing, the new season of Last Comic Standing is officially underway. If you've never seen Last Comic Standing, good for you. It's basically a less funny version of American Idol. A bajillion hopefuls, many of them extremely talented, line up for blocks and blocks to stand in front of a few assembled douchebags to have their dreams crushed while unfunny hacks like Dat Phan get treated like the reincarnation of Bill Hicks. Good times. I'm not even a comic and the shit infuriates me.
Granted, some talented folks have managed to beat the odds and actually make it onto the show, Rich Vos, for example. But those people don’t win. Dat Phan wins. John Heffron wins. Dude from those fucking Hemi commercials wins, which I guess was actually a minor victory. It could have been worse.
Pictured above: Worse
But really, that's how all these shows work. The best people never win. Remember on season two of American Idol when Clay Aiken lost to Ruben Studdard? It's just like that. Clay Aiken totally got robbed. But to his credit, he handled the shaft pretty well. And I bet I'm not the only dude to ever compliment Clay Aiken on how well he handles a shaft. HA! If you're wondering if the whole point of this intro was so I could tell that joke, you're damn right. Now let's get to the recap.
Season six begins with a shot of a darkened room. Suddenly, host Bill Bellamy comes pimp strutting out in a shiny silver silk suit that looks like it was sewn together using the lining from the coffin that his career was buried in prior to landing this illustrious gig. You know, there was a time when Bill Bellamy actually made me laugh. Understand it wasn't for any extended length of time. But even the shittiest of comics have one decent joke in them. I just happened to be watching goddamn Comic View or something when he told his.
He gives a bunch of facts and figures about past seasons, yells out “Last...Comic... Standingggggggg!” like it’s something to be excited about and up come the house lights, revealing an audience full of people gathered for one common cause. To celebrate mediocre comedy.
After a bit of talk about contestants coming from over 20 countries and 6 continents (fuck you, Antarctica), we're introduced to Fearne Cotton. You know what she does on the show? No, for real, do you know? I have no earthly idea. Luckily, I don't have to think about it much, because no sooner than she's introduced we're taken to the first audition.
This round of auditions takes place in New York City. The judges can't possibly fuck this up, right? It's a comedy Mecca. And surely, NBC would make sure to put only the most worthy of judges of comedic talent in place to decide who should make the cut, right? The first judge we're introduced to is comedian and Law and Order star Richard Belzer, whose insistence on wearing sunglasses indoors makes me want to throttle his windpipe. But at least he's told a joke in his day. The next judge we're introduced to is Steve Schirripa, better known as Bobby Baccalieri from The Sopranos. Clearly, that show was a lot funnier than I remember it, because now he's an authority on what is and is not good comedy. But don't worry, Steve is quick to point out that he knows a good comic when he sees one. Multiple seasons of pretend mob violence will do that for a person. To prove it, we're presented with a montage of heinous auditions which occasionally cut away to shots of Steve looking exasperated. At one point, Belzer is shown in an interview clip and his dark sunglasses reveal themselves as tinted shades that have lost their swagger and reverted to being regular glasses. It's the most enthralling shot of the whole night. On to the auditions.
The first audition is from a dude in a chicken suit who calls himself Buck B'Gack. The judges refrain from telling him to kill himself. It's a noble gesture. Up next is Louis Ramey. He's been in every commercial for the show up to this point. I wonder if he'll make it through? He tells some jokes about black people skiing and the time he was carjacked in Detroit. It's not funny. He's immediately asked to come back later that night.
Another parade of shitty auditions is shown and just like that, on the stage is Adam Sank. He's gay and he works at Fox News, which is kind of awesome. Steve pretends not to be hitting on him when he says “I want to see you back here later tonight” and it's off to the next audition.
Thanks to my crippling fetish for Asian chicks and my less traditional fetish for hot women with old woman names, I immediately identify the next contestant, 24 year old Esther Ku, as my hands down favorite to win it all. Is she funny? Fuck if I care, if I'm going to recap every episode, I need this broad around. The judges agree and she's invited to return later that night.
Esther Ku: Keeping my little comic standing since 2008
After another cavalcade of rejects, including a chick with a Keith Richards doll, more people making chicken noises (it'll catch on eventually) and a guy dressed like Bishop Don Juan who I shit you not tells a “why did the chicken cross the road” joke, we're introduced to Jeremiah Smallchild and Gideon Lamb, collectively known as God's Pottery. I immediately don't like them because one of them has a guitar. If I want to laugh at a dude playing an acoustic guitar I'll go to a James Blunt concert, put the guitar down and tell some damn jokes. But to their credit, their schtick kind of makes being overly religious seem really gay. I can get behind that. They sing a mildly funny song about abstinence and they're coming back tonight.
After God's Pottery leaves the stage, it's revealed to us for the first time that Bill Bellamy has been out in the hallway playing the Ryan Seacrest role this whole time. None of his interactions with the contestants up to this point made it onto the air. If asked to provide a guess, I'd say it's because he's an unfunny whore.
After we're introduced to The Stones, an identical twin act so horrid I'm not even going to talk about them, onto the stage comes Dan Naturman. So far, of all the contestants, he's easily the funniest. Take that however you wish. Things get awkward when the judges start heaping on the praise. Steve tells him he “likes the character, it's obviously a character.” It's not, but nobody is giving Dan a chance to tell them that. But really, how would he know anyway? That's Bobby Baccalieri from The Sopranos he's talking to. And that guy knows comedy. If he says it's a character, who is Dan to disagree? Belzer turns the awkward up to eleven when he says “you do impressions too, right?” No. I'm just starting to feel bad for Dan when he's finally given the ok to exit the stage and enter the loving, talentless arms of Bill Bellamy out in the hall.
Up next, Susannah Perlman. She's from NYC and makes her own clothes. They make her look like a prostitute. I think I love her. So far, everyone who has had a little intro like this has been asked to come back for the showcase. Not the case with Susannah. Perhaps the producers just wanted to show her in her hooker wear. I can respect a decision like that. Anyway, she's not the funniest comic, but she's not making chicken noises at least. Before he breaks the news that she won't be coming back that night, Bobby from The Sopranos tells her she's a good comedian but she “kind of annoyed” him and advises that if she ever goes on a date with a guy, don't talk and she'll do just fine. He's a classy dude. By this point I'm kind of hoping that extra 400 lbs he's carrying around finally give him the heart attack he so clearly deserves. On air if possible. But as much of a dick as he is now, it will get worse.
During the next montage of rejects, someone tells a joke about killing a baby. It's obviously not meant in any serious way, but Steve gets on his moral high horse anyway and goes on a rant about how he can't imaging ever laughing at a joke that involved hurting a baby. The dude from The Sopranos is now not only qualified to tell you how to make people laugh, but he's ready to lecture you on the ways of peace and love too. Immediately after his baby blow up, another guy comes on and tells a joke about punching a baby. Steve loses his shit and tells the guy to leave before he gets past his first joke. Right about now, I'd like to throw a fucking baby at Steve's head. With appropriate safety gear of course. Helmet, knee pads, shit like that. I'm no animal.
Up next to audition is Al Jackson. Speaking of babies, his wife is having one today. See what they did there? He's through whether he's funny or not. And with that, finally, it's showcase time.
Unsurprisingly, the focus is on all of the same people who got long winded video intros the first time around. Adam Sank tells jokes about Project Runway, sticking to the “I'm gay...that's hilarious!” format that got him here. God's Pottery sings another song. That's about all I have to say about that.
The first previously unseen (or barely seen) performance comes from Dan Curry, a guy who kind of looks like Zach Galifianakis' non-showbiz brother. For the record, I give a shit if I spelled that name right. He tells a decent joke about misguided text messages. He's funny. Fifty bucks says he doesn't make it though.
Esther Ku is up next. She's wearing a tight dress and big black boots. She probably told some jokes too. We're treated to some clips of Al Jackson's baby, because I give a fuck.
Dan Naturman is up next and again is the funniest of the bunch. It's a sad bunch.
The next “who the hell is that” moment comes when Marc Theobald takes the stage leaving me to wonder when U-God from the Wu-Tang Clan decided to try being funny.
A couple more barely seens, Angry Bob and Michelle Buteau, get about 45 seconds of screen time each before those damn twins, The Stones are back on the stage to ruin my evening.
Finally, it's decision time and, despite having seen a total of about ten comedians, there are suddenly somewhere in the neighborhood of 750 people crowded on the stage to learn their fate. Who are these people? Are they funny? We'll never know. The show has it's mind made up. It's enough to make you want to smack a baby.
And now, for the first batch of semi-finalists. Louis Ramey's name is called first and, seriously, you could knock me over with a feather. I didn't see that coming.
The next name called, those fucking Stone twins. I'm sensing a pattern. My girlfriend Esther Ku gets her name called and my mind turns to figuring out a way to write these recaps while jerking off.
God's Pottery is through. Dan Naturman is through. In all, the five people that got the most face time leading up to the showcase make it to the semi-finals. Way to bring the drama NBC. Must see TV indeed.
Up next, we repeat this whole process in that notorious hotbed of comedic talent, Tempe, AZ. I miss Esther already.
Washed Up Comics as Game Show Hosts:
A Guide To Shitty Television
By Adam Brown
Ever since Louie Anderson beat out Dolly Parton (I shit you not) for the job as the third ever host of The Family Feud, the land of television game show hosting has been the go to spot for washed up comics looking to die a slow, unfunny death. When the reality TV plague hit in the late 90’s, it brought with it a wave of new primetime game shows that have continued the tradition of providing post-relevance (if there ever was any) employment for a slew of former funny men, including Wayne Brady, Howie Mandel, Bob Saget and Carrot Top. Just joking on that last one, shit hasn’t gotten that bad…Yet.
My feelings toward these shows are split. On the one hand, I appreciate the opportunity for up-from-the-gutter redemption that a show like Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader provides a guy like me. What kind of guy am I? The kind that believes that should I ever find myself on the business end of a crippling heroin addiction (hypothetically speaking), all it will take to get my life back in gear is for me to wash up, charm a couple of gay television producers, pretend I don’t want to kill everyone in the room while Jeff Foxworthy tells shitty jokes, smile at a few kids, answer some math questions and cash my motherfucking game show check.
But the writer in me hates that these types of shows have put loads of talented writers out of work. With bullshit like 1 vs. 100 to fill the schedule, there’s no need for sitcoms or dramas or situation dramedys or whatever the fuck. All you need now is an audience, a bunch of questions, some asshole willing to answer them, an assembled group of skanks depending on your time slot and a host. Oh boy, the host. THAT’S where the talent is on these shows! If you can still call it talent anyway.
One of the more rage inspiring marriages of game show and shitty past his prime comics can be found on FOX’s Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader. First of all, yes, I am. I don’t care how many geography questions I can’t answer, a ten year old can’t tell me shit. If you’ve never watched this show, don’t start now. Unless watching Jeff Foxworthy parading around making people look stupid is your idea of a good time. You read that correctly, this show is so grounded in dumbassedness that it allows Jeff damn Foxworthy to make people look dumb. Also, there are kids everyfuckingwhere. Is there anything else you need to know?
If you’re looking for a little less fury inspiring 30 minutes, you may consider checking out 1 vs. 100 if it hasn’t been cancelled. Seriously, I’m not sure if the shit is still on. The last I saw it though, it was a pleasant enough show where one person answers a question and then has their answer compared to one hundred other people’s answers and then that all somehow has some bearing on who wins whatever amount of cash. It’s kind of like Hollywood Squares without all the celebrities and chronic alcoholism. Oh, and Danny Tanner is the host. Yes, THE Danny Tanner, Mr. Bob Saget. I know a lot of people dig how Saget is so wholesome in front of America and then so dirty on stage. I don’t know, I’ve just always thought he was a dork. If he’s a foul mouthed dork, that’s great, but he’s still a fucking doofus.
By far the biggest hitter of the prime time game show swingers is Deal or No Deal. It’s hosted by Howie Mandel. He used to put fucking balloons on his head. People laughed. People are idiots. The premise of the game is simple. People guess which suitcase has the most money in it, or some shit like that. There’s a “banker.” Howie Mandel is the host. He hates germs. Former football player, Marshall Faulk touched him once on camera when he wasn’t expecting it. People laughed. So did I. People may be idiots, but when a douchebag is in distress, they know its reason to laugh. Anyway, that show pretty much blows too, except for the chicks.
And with that, I bring this what to watch guide to a close. I hope I’ve helped to make your television viewing a little more pleasurable.